Its Saturday, and you are bored. So what do you do. You call a bunch of friends for a movie expecting it to be a 2 hours of fun. But its just not your day when you go to the theater and buy tickets for Kurbaan. Unfortunately it wasn't mine either.
I bought red lounge seats, which i think were the saving grace of the day. The seats were so comfortable, i could take a nap everytime kareena came up on screen. Agreed she looks amazing in this flick, but looks can only get you so far dear (Exception- Katrina. Her looks can get her EVERYWHERE)
Not to lie, i missed about 20 minutes in the beginning. But i don't think anything much happened because the couple next to me had already started staring at each other rather than the screen.
I entered at 'Shukran Allah', which shows that Sonu Nigam is BACK with a bang. The tone just sticks to you and you are compelled to download it the moment you get home. The backdrop is awe striking. It makes you realise, love songs can look good WITHOUT the swiss backdrop too.
What follows is something i have seen a million times in the hundred million movies about terrorism, 'Jihad', and the terrorists' point of view. It gets so predictable that even the 'suspense noise' doesn't have me reaching for the comforter.
Now comes our male positive protagonist Rehaan Mahsood (Mr. Vivek 'I really learnt english at a call center' Oberoi), a TV news reporter who just returned after covering the Iraq war situation. His opening dialog with his dad has a sentence with so many fake 'R''s (The fake american accent types) it is insanely hysterical. ('ABBA, We ARE Armericran!!!'). Bloody hell, I laughed so hard, I tipped over my popcorn.
He is in love with another reporter (Dia Mirza) whose name i kinda forgot (And whose performance I would love to forget). Unfortunately, she gets killed in a bomb blast on her plane to Iraq along with a lot of UN dignitaries. Rehaan wants to avenge his girlfriend's death, and to his luck he gets a lead to the bombers due to kareena's message on his girlfriend's answering machine just before the bombing.
Then begins his undercover mission and so on an so forth. Mentioning the rest of the movie would just be a waste of two people's time, yours and mine. So let me just summarize the whole film.
Saif (Even with some amazing acting) dies in the end.
Kareena and her unborn fetus live.
Dia dies (pretty early in the story too, thank heavens).
Vivek lives (but god WHY!!)
Note- Kirron Kher and Om Puri are pretty watchable. Amazing negative role.
p.s. Both die :P
Spoiler alert- Saifu kills kirron aunty and vivek takes down Om uncle :D
p.p.s. The movie has a lot of technical errors. I think even the director got pretty bored of the flick to actually re-shoot. The bloopers (highly noticable) are fun to watch. But its not worth bearing the other hundred and seventy minutes of the film for just a few minutes of sadistic joy.
p.p.s. I am not Mayank Shekar or Minty Tejpal to give an actual review. This is just a rip on the flick. So don't take it seriously, its just a light read.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
English At Its Best
A Paki officer stops a car, asks the driver to get out and cuffs him. On asking for the reason for the arrest, the officer snorts "You are FIVE guys in a Fiat 'Quattro'".
"But officer its a car meant for five people. It says so in the manual".
The officer angrily retorts "Can't you read it in the name that QUATTRO is meant for four people?".
The guy, annoyed by now, asks to speak to a commanding officer.
The junior replies "You might have to wait. He is busy arresting TWO guys in a Fiat 'Uno'"
:S
Moral:
Never teach a Paki english :P
"But officer its a car meant for five people. It says so in the manual".
The officer angrily retorts "Can't you read it in the name that QUATTRO is meant for four people?".
The guy, annoyed by now, asks to speak to a commanding officer.
The junior replies "You might have to wait. He is busy arresting TWO guys in a Fiat 'Uno'"
:S
Moral:
Never teach a Paki english :P
Thursday, November 12, 2009
2 States - Boredom and Naivety
I read a chetan bhagat's new book, 2 States, a couple of days back. With low hopes at the start itself, i was still disappointed at the end which surprisingly did not surprise me at all. I had just two reasons to read this lost-cause-of-a-book. 1) I needed a quick read (something like a quick fix when you are excessively bored) and 2) Well, i had no other reason to pick up this book actually, but having just one reason makes it stupid on my part to pick it up.
Chetan bhagat explores all possible combinations for torturing the audience. First by writing major shit on a call center love/god realization story. Then by moving on to the 3 mistakes of a loser's life and finally his marriage to supposedly the hottest girl from IIMA.
His first book, 5 point someone, was somewhat OK. Come on, you need to give the guy SOME credit being an amateur writer. But the writing style remains the same even after 4 books which cannot be appreciated. WE DON'T READ BOOKS TO READ THE SAME CONVERSATIONAL ENGLISH. We read so that it may enhance our knowledge on the language which is twisted in itself (where 'go' should actually be pronounced GU if 'to' is pronounced TO)
The prologue opens with the protagonist at the shrink's office (where the shrink has quite a sick sense of humor. God forbid I go there, I might actually be depressed AFTER the visit). The prologue is about all what i can remember properly because this book doesn't leave any other impression, except being a bad one, in your head.
The remaining story of this one revolves around his life in IIMA, where he finds the love of his life. But she is a Tam Bram and he is a punjabi. Not that it matters to them, they love making out at all points of the book. But the families have to accept the love and get them married, which is tough due to ego and cultural clashes. Long story short : Happy Ending with Twins.
Also, to add to the misery, the book is nothing but the writers naive version of love, sex and Tam Bram families. His portrayal of women shows them as easy, loose and craving his fat ass. Reading it makes you go like 'DUDE...WTF'. And again, not all Tam Bram families have their mothers as carnatic singers and dads as second level workers. Stop your fuckin prejudice!
Overall, the "novel" is nothing novel, leaves you with a bad experience and kills 3 hours of your life that you are never going to get back. To finish, i can only compare his book to nothing but a masala bollywood flick, with bad slapstick and an insanely hot female lead :P
Read this one at your own stupidity...
p.s. This review (if i may call it that) focuses more on insulting the writer for all his retardation rather than on just this one book. Sorry for the global approach :D
p.p.s. HE IS NOT INDIA'S MOST READ ENGLISH AUTHOR. STOP SPREADING SUCH MORONIC IDEAS.
Chetan bhagat explores all possible combinations for torturing the audience. First by writing major shit on a call center love/god realization story. Then by moving on to the 3 mistakes of a loser's life and finally his marriage to supposedly the hottest girl from IIMA.
His first book, 5 point someone, was somewhat OK. Come on, you need to give the guy SOME credit being an amateur writer. But the writing style remains the same even after 4 books which cannot be appreciated. WE DON'T READ BOOKS TO READ THE SAME CONVERSATIONAL ENGLISH. We read so that it may enhance our knowledge on the language which is twisted in itself (where 'go' should actually be pronounced GU if 'to' is pronounced TO)
The prologue opens with the protagonist at the shrink's office (where the shrink has quite a sick sense of humor. God forbid I go there, I might actually be depressed AFTER the visit). The prologue is about all what i can remember properly because this book doesn't leave any other impression, except being a bad one, in your head.
The remaining story of this one revolves around his life in IIMA, where he finds the love of his life. But she is a Tam Bram and he is a punjabi. Not that it matters to them, they love making out at all points of the book. But the families have to accept the love and get them married, which is tough due to ego and cultural clashes. Long story short : Happy Ending with Twins.
Also, to add to the misery, the book is nothing but the writers naive version of love, sex and Tam Bram families. His portrayal of women shows them as easy, loose and craving his fat ass. Reading it makes you go like 'DUDE...WTF'. And again, not all Tam Bram families have their mothers as carnatic singers and dads as second level workers. Stop your fuckin prejudice!
Overall, the "novel" is nothing novel, leaves you with a bad experience and kills 3 hours of your life that you are never going to get back. To finish, i can only compare his book to nothing but a masala bollywood flick, with bad slapstick and an insanely hot female lead :P
Read this one at your own stupidity...
p.s. This review (if i may call it that) focuses more on insulting the writer for all his retardation rather than on just this one book. Sorry for the global approach :D
p.p.s. HE IS NOT INDIA'S MOST READ ENGLISH AUTHOR. STOP SPREADING SUCH MORONIC IDEAS.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The viva-vocevich theory
My viva was postponed by a day due to reason unknown and so it was today. It is always a fun sight watching the teacher's minions studying like it was the last day of the earth and studying would keep them alive in the post apocalyptic world. As usual, i hadn't studied a thing. But this time, i had three reasons not to study.
First; I had attained Zenlightenment and finally understood that these small things aren't going to matter in the bigger picture.
Second; I somehow have this weird feeling of being the Bernard Madoff of viva-vocas. Maybe not with so much glamor or a lifetime in prison, but sure as hell the audacity of not studying shit and being able to score top notch :D
And finally, i have a scientific theory to support my claim that he was going to ask me some very VERY simple questions
I'm calling it THE VIVA-VOCEVICH THEORY. Its copyright so don't even try.
It goes like so:
Viva examinations are a simple one on one with an external examiner you don't know. So the first point being that if you are well dressed and respect his authority, he's gonna shower you with marks. Also, the complexity of the questions depends on the number of students he has to question.
Case 1 (Yesterday; when he did not show up):
The batch consisted of 30 odd people and he was supposed to arrive at 9 and leave by 3 which, in theory gives him a lot of time to screw students. However, after 10 or 12 odd students, he eases up mainly because he gets bored.
So the easiness of the questions can be given by a graph of a bell curve
The first roll no. (unfortunately me) was going to get screwed up so as to set an example to the others that the external is unnerving and unsparing. The last roll no. was also screwed because the examiner knows that he can have no more fun torturing kids for the day and he would take all the frustration on the last kid.
The middle ones had it easy; the examiner would be bored, hungry and just wanting to go home due to the stupid answers given by their predecessors.
Case 2 (Today, when the viva DID happen):
It was supposed to start at 9 and he came nicely at 1:30, promptly went for lunch and then finally sat in the examination room at 2.
Now, he had to take the viva of 65 students by 3:45, hence a time constraint caused a change in his examination pattern. The graph of the question complexity suddenly becomes an exponential curve.
The last ones get screwed up in this case also because, well, the examiner just wants to have some fun.
So according to my own theory, i should've gotten the easiest question today. SO WHY STUDY!!!
Now isn't this theory awesome :P
p.s. It worked for me. Try it sometime...
p.p.s. The writer claims no responsibility in case of a screwed up test because you followed his advice
First; I had attained Zenlightenment and finally understood that these small things aren't going to matter in the bigger picture.
Second; I somehow have this weird feeling of being the Bernard Madoff of viva-vocas. Maybe not with so much glamor or a lifetime in prison, but sure as hell the audacity of not studying shit and being able to score top notch :D
And finally, i have a scientific theory to support my claim that he was going to ask me some very VERY simple questions
I'm calling it THE VIVA-VOCEVICH THEORY. Its copyright so don't even try.
It goes like so:
Viva examinations are a simple one on one with an external examiner you don't know. So the first point being that if you are well dressed and respect his authority, he's gonna shower you with marks. Also, the complexity of the questions depends on the number of students he has to question.
Case 1 (Yesterday; when he did not show up):
The batch consisted of 30 odd people and he was supposed to arrive at 9 and leave by 3 which, in theory gives him a lot of time to screw students. However, after 10 or 12 odd students, he eases up mainly because he gets bored.
So the easiness of the questions can be given by a graph of a bell curve
The first roll no. (unfortunately me) was going to get screwed up so as to set an example to the others that the external is unnerving and unsparing. The last roll no. was also screwed because the examiner knows that he can have no more fun torturing kids for the day and he would take all the frustration on the last kid.
The middle ones had it easy; the examiner would be bored, hungry and just wanting to go home due to the stupid answers given by their predecessors.
Case 2 (Today, when the viva DID happen):
It was supposed to start at 9 and he came nicely at 1:30, promptly went for lunch and then finally sat in the examination room at 2.
Now, he had to take the viva of 65 students by 3:45, hence a time constraint caused a change in his examination pattern. The graph of the question complexity suddenly becomes an exponential curve.
The last ones get screwed up in this case also because, well, the examiner just wants to have some fun.
So according to my own theory, i should've gotten the easiest question today. SO WHY STUDY!!!
Now isn't this theory awesome :P
p.s. It worked for me. Try it sometime...
p.p.s. The writer claims no responsibility in case of a screwed up test because you followed his advice
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Zenlightenment 1
My viva-voce was supposed to start today. At 9 am, an external examiner whom we never knew was going to fire questions at all of us ONE-BY-ONE. Even though most of us know the answers when we are at our calmest (like when we are trying to impress other dumbwits with our superior knowledge) anyone rarely has the balls to answer. All you can think at that moment of the examiners fury is to NOT CRY IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
The mere thought of this viva shakes people to the core. But me, being more of a realized soul *chuckles*, can only think of a quasi-zen proverb
"Even this will pass, either like a violent diarrhea with jet speed and minimal pain, or like the constipation caused by twenty odd bananas, extremely slow, painful and usually ending up tearing your arse out"
By the power of the zen master, let it be the former. Amen!
The mere thought of this viva shakes people to the core. But me, being more of a realized soul *chuckles*, can only think of a quasi-zen proverb
"Even this will pass, either like a violent diarrhea with jet speed and minimal pain, or like the constipation caused by twenty odd bananas, extremely slow, painful and usually ending up tearing your arse out"
By the power of the zen master, let it be the former. Amen!
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