Booze and some stupid memories

Starting a blog is not as easy at it looks. You kind of have to have a convergent thought, make it seem readable, select a funny font (which compensates for the lack of humor) and finally have a non-blood sucking internet connection to let u post it!
Sorry for the lamest start that i have had, but frustration gets to you when finally after a hiatus you find something even remotely writable and your internet gives way :(
So anyway, i was with a friend today after dinner for a regular walk. By friend i mean someone who i have shared a lot of memories (along with some other people too) and had tons of laughters that made me look like a retarded elephant.

Nothing out of the ordinary, we started reminiscing about a lot of things that happened in the past two years (why two years... because thats when the booze finally reached the parched mouths of wandering souls) one incident i found was unmissable and deserved to be shared. I know that probably many people who weren't present at that moment wont understand it to the magnitude that i describe, but i am still writing it nonetheless (Mainly because of loads of free time and an infinitesimally small reader pool :P)

It was probably when we were 17 that we started going out for hukkas (all because of A and B who were in stupid mithibai while i was stuck at a hell hole called vivek where my peers actually wore sacred marks on their foreheads for better assimilation of the professor's lecture! argghh). It was just one of those days we were planning for a place called sigara for dinner and a hukka when C suggested some booze be added to the picture to just make it perfect.

Being 17 has a lot of upsides - innocence, guilt and a very strong urge to try every damn thing. But it lacks just one thing - MONEY! All of us know that u can barely get booze to soak your throats with 80 spare bucks (mind you it was really spare change of 5s and 10s). Four of us, 80 bucks and an urge unwilling to let go. Plus all of us were really scared of stepping in a store to get the stuff. Finally two of our valiant soldiers A and C took the plunge while B and me went to get a soft drink (coke).

"The single greatest pleasure is one of breaking the convention set by your elders and along with it comes a great adrenalin rush and a sense of accomplishment" - Sensei AKAI - 30.8.10

Moving on, we get into a rick expecting a lavish amount being brought to us. All we get are two measly quarts of a lavish brand called... ahem... Officer's choice. Aptly named so because it is only had by penniless officers! Still, we always have and always will follow a thumb rule, Booze is Booze :P

Mixing it with coke was a tough guess because the only ratio and proportion we knew were the ones in our text-books. Somehow we figured something out and made the mix. We went to sigara, and started our party. It felt liberated. Somehow we had suddenly grown-up. Grown out of adolescent thoughts and pre-pubescent actions.

Now C used to have a smoke once in a while. Not knowing that what he did was called a mouth-fag (probably famous among the fag community). Anyway, something possessed him to say words considered blasphemous if i can underestimate them. "Dude why dont we try a smoke. All of us. Just once". The horror that followed was unparalleled because i still remember that we thought that if you smoke, you are probably going to end up homeless with no sperm count. But experimenters that we are, were nonetheless tempted. So a pack of "gold-flake lights", the only brand known was brought to us (regular smokers of foreign brands like most of my friends now wouldn't even dignify that brand with a spit let alone a drag). The golden pack looked stunning nonetheless and possessed a quality that no ordinary object could possess. It seemed that it had the power to define our futures.

The pack arrives, C goes on to open the pandora's box and take out a magic stick. He goes ahead and lights it scaring the living wits out of all of us. However, A and B are tempted to try. I remain firm on my principles for reasons unknown. But the problem was, A wanted B to go first while B wanted vice-versa. Mexican standoff initiated. "U go first""no u go first""dude you are 6 months elder, u gotta go first""Lets light it together". They pick out a stick each and with a match sealed what would be their definition, or so i thought at that time, SMOKERS. With calm on the outside, the started smoking away. It still seemed like a vivid dream that people who just a year back on the same day swore that "we would not become tainted like the generation before us".

All of it seems amusing when I look back at it. This is just ONE of my fondest memories embedded in my head as clear as it was yesterday. Even after this all of us did loads of crazy stuff and will probably continue to do so till we grow out of it. It somehow still is one of the defining moments of 20 odd years. A lot of things have changed since that day two years back but one hasn't... we still have NO money for booze.

After that i did try a smoke one day. Didn't taste that good ;).

p.s. To donate, please write a cheque addressed to either one of us. We will repay your debt with a peg. Thank you.

p.p.s. The reason i decided to post this blog is i know that somehow it will remind whoever is reading of their defining moment and make them chuckle, even if for just a little bit...

Random Ramblings In A Letter To Her

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,
Its 5am, i'm still awake. And for some reason, i think you are awake too. I don't know what i would write if i wanted to in 1 letter. "You've been on my mind lately" ? "I miss u" ? or "I hope i never did the things I did" ?...

It hurts me, but all three seem true leaving an undefined controversy within me. Why does it hurt me when you make a wrong choice? And mainly, What's wrong with me?

People screw up. In everything. But i think they mainly do in relationships. I'm not being condescending or saying that "the grapes are sour" but it so happens that all the people i have met are damaged. Undeniably and inexplicably. The menial things don't matter, like grades or in the generic things that are not going to be there the next day.

Relationships so happen to change people, they tend to close off, from all the better people.Never trusting, always worried when the next person is going to take advantage of them. Everyone seems like an enemy. Even me.(p.s. im not saying I'm the right person) (p.p.s look around, the right person might be the person who is always nice to you, who knows :P)

I've been noticing, Girls keep falling for guys who don't actually deserve them. Smooth talking guys, taking advantage of the fact that the person they talk to is vulnerable. He flirt, she thinks she is in love, and the person ending up hurt need not be said. This happened with small wonder, who seems to be in love with the big blunder who is two timing her. She is, nonetheless, stupid because her ex did the same. A mistake the first time is a mistake, a repetition is just plain dumb.

I tried being the good guy there, ended up stranded with no one believing me especially her. Was being the good guy bad? I have always tried being the good guy. Protecting everyone. And every time it has turned out for the worse, making me wonder over and over if it was all worth it. I persevere.

I don't want this to happen to you too, but isn't that just highly expectant.

Trying to cure everyone so that i can finally have a non-cynical world to talk to seems a bad quasi-selfless motive because people will be, people. Cynical, closed off.

Then i meet you. The most untainted person one can meet. Naivety and happiness run through you. I'm loving it. I can be open and carefree and not ever have to tell you to keep a secret because i know you will...

I don't know, i want to keep this feeling forever. But i can't. I think i screwed up. By being honest about my motives. By not running around the bush with swish SMS or smooth flirting. I can't flirt, not because i am genetically unable to conjure 2 sentences that exploit your vulnerability, but because i care for you too much to make promises i can't keep up.

I care too much, is that whats killing me? Even after caring, you are going to end up making the same mistake. Falling into things that change you. Make you a different person. With me, only being able to wipe your tears. Again, this is not that i am bugged with it, but it hurts me every time.

Its 5:44 and i still don't make sense. But i think what i want to say is, i care for you, i want to keep caring for you and i will always be there for you.

I'm just trying to show that i am deeper than what i show, i care more than what i show, and i don't want to end up being your psychiatrist like i have become for everyone else.

Love,
I Truly Do...

p.p.p.s:- do i sound like a douche for thinking like this? Do you think i am advertising MYSELF? Just a clarification, IM NOT. I want, like all messiah-complex affected people in the world, for the world to be perfect. Let me start with myself...

Flawed

Another year bites the dust. Some more unique and divergent thoughts pass without so much as materialization. Its not that i expect some transcendental revelation on a random day, however i do want to believe that every day should serve a motive and shouldn't be just a supplement of 24 hours to endless purposelessness. After all isn't it purpose that everyone craves for?
All this makes me wonder; Are we actually meant to serve a purpose or is purposelessness itself our purpose!

This post was not supposed to be about perpetually unanswerable questions and the fact that it comes up shows the paramount confusion in the tiny brain of mine.
Actually, I wanted to make this post about the past year. About what I have learnt, fondly remembered, shunned.

I think the only thing I learnt this year is how flawed everything is. By flawed, I mean surpassing the societal definition of 'Perfect'. And even though we are in constant search of perfection, we love everything BECAUSE it is flawed. Flaws subdue our ego constantly by reminding us of our limitations, however, giving us solace in the fact that everyone is, in fact, JUST HUMAN. It gives us the biggest freedom, as Gandhi put it, the freedom to err. It liberates us. This gives me constant hope :)

This year I missed my sis a lot. Even though she left only in august and we talk constantly, I miss her presence/constant support/torture/always being there for me... (*to Kamya* When you are back in may, we are going to P-A-R-T-Y!!! Come back soon :P)

As for shunned, I gave up any concept of an extra corporeal deity. Not due to lack of judgement but for lack of unanimity, singularity in idea and consistency in the scriptures that define it. I however still remain open to the idea...

It has been a great year...

Happy New Year 2010...

p.s. This is most probably the last post for this year unless something of a mammoth nature comes up :)...L8R...
p.p.s Don't mind the grammatical errors or the inconsistency in ideas. I am, admittedly, more of a thinker than a writer :P

10 by 30

Bored by not studying all day, I wanted to do something I hadn't done but desired to do since a long time. I picked up a chair and some food and sat up on the roof.
It may sound lame, but it was different from just roaming around with your buddies and time really does slow down. Even with an overwhelming sunset at a distance, you can't but think about yourself and life in general. Random ponderings metamorphose into something more tangible.
My third semester examinations are beginning tomorrow. And this may sound cliched but it DOES seem like yesterday when I remember the first day at engineering and it seems just one day before that that I gave my standard 12 board exams.
This seems like an unexpected realization (to me at least), but life is going fast....a tad bit too fast. And the worst part is, most of it is inconspicuous and rarely noteworthy.
Gazing up at the resplendent colors of the cloud formations, the only thing I could think about was the futility of life if not for goals. Revelation....I decided to write down a list of 10 things I wanted to do by the time I turn 30 (again may sound cliched, but what the heck...i'm doing it anyway).
Why 30...well the average lifespan is about 60 years. And a half-life check would be a good yardstick of the attainment.

These are not in order of preference or chronology but just as they come to me...

1) Build a catamaran
2) Buy a penthouse
3) Live for 6 months in New York
4) Visit 5 continents
5) Touch all the 7 wonders of the world
6) Stay throughout the 45 days of the brazil carnival
7) Watch one coldplay concert, live
8) Spend $20,000 in vegas
9) Drive 1000 kms and back in one trip
10) Own a convertible

All these are neither sensible nor in any sense fathomable at this juncture in my life. But all are possible.
On a closing note, even if I DO accomplish the whole list, I want the journey of accomplishment to be much more memorable than the destinations.

To Hope....Cheers

p.s. If u comment, try to add your 10 by 30 list too :D

Kurbaan- Some love stories have bad american accents on them

Its Saturday, and you are bored. So what do you do. You call a bunch of friends for a movie expecting it to be a 2 hours of fun. But its just not your day when you go to the theater and buy tickets for Kurbaan. Unfortunately it wasn't mine either.
I bought red lounge seats, which i think were the saving grace of the day. The seats were so comfortable, i could take a nap everytime kareena came up on screen. Agreed she looks amazing in this flick, but looks can only get you so far dear (Exception- Katrina. Her looks can get her EVERYWHERE)
Not to lie, i missed about 20 minutes in the beginning. But i don't think anything much happened because the couple next to me had already started staring at each other rather than the screen.
I entered at 'Shukran Allah', which shows that Sonu Nigam is BACK with a bang. The tone just sticks to you and you are compelled to download it the moment you get home. The backdrop is awe striking. It makes you realise, love songs can look good WITHOUT the swiss backdrop too.
What follows is something i have seen a million times in the hundred million movies about terrorism, 'Jihad', and the terrorists' point of view. It gets so predictable that even the 'suspense noise' doesn't have me reaching for the comforter.
Now comes our male positive protagonist Rehaan Mahsood (Mr. Vivek 'I really learnt english at a call center' Oberoi), a TV news reporter who just returned after covering the Iraq war situation. His opening dialog with his dad has a sentence with so many fake 'R''s (The fake american accent types) it is insanely hysterical. ('ABBA, We ARE Armericran!!!'). Bloody hell, I laughed so hard, I tipped over my popcorn.
He is in love with another reporter (Dia Mirza) whose name i kinda forgot (And whose performance I would love to forget). Unfortunately, she gets killed in a bomb blast on her plane to Iraq along with a lot of UN dignitaries. Rehaan wants to avenge his girlfriend's death, and to his luck he gets a lead to the bombers due to kareena's message on his girlfriend's answering machine just before the bombing.
Then begins his undercover mission and so on an so forth. Mentioning the rest of the movie would just be a waste of two people's time, yours and mine. So let me just summarize the whole film.
Saif (Even with some amazing acting) dies in the end.
Kareena and her unborn fetus live.
Dia dies (pretty early in the story too, thank heavens).
Vivek lives (but god WHY!!)

Note- Kirron Kher and Om Puri are pretty watchable. Amazing negative role.
p.s. Both die :P
Spoiler alert- Saifu kills kirron aunty and vivek takes down Om uncle :D

p.p.s. The movie has a lot of technical errors. I think even the director got pretty bored of the flick to actually re-shoot. The bloopers (highly noticable) are fun to watch. But its not worth bearing the other hundred and seventy minutes of the film for just a few minutes of sadistic joy.

p.p.s. I am not Mayank Shekar or Minty Tejpal to give an actual review. This is just a rip on the flick. So don't take it seriously, its just a light read.

English At Its Best

A Paki officer stops a car, asks the driver to get out and cuffs him. On asking for the reason for the arrest, the officer snorts "You are FIVE guys in a Fiat 'Quattro'".
"But officer its a car meant for five people. It says so in the manual".
The officer angrily retorts "Can't you read it in the name that QUATTRO is meant for four people?".
The guy, annoyed by now, asks to speak to a commanding officer.
The junior replies "You might have to wait. He is busy arresting TWO guys in a Fiat 'Uno'"
:S
Moral:
Never teach a Paki english :P

2 States - Boredom and Naivety

I read a chetan bhagat's new book, 2 States, a couple of days back. With low hopes at the start itself, i was still disappointed at the end which surprisingly did not surprise me at all. I had just two reasons to read this lost-cause-of-a-book. 1) I needed a quick read (something like a quick fix when you are excessively bored) and 2) Well, i had no other reason to pick up this book actually, but having just one reason makes it stupid on my part to pick it up.
Chetan bhagat explores all possible combinations for torturing the audience. First by writing major shit on a call center love/god realization story. Then by moving on to the 3 mistakes of a loser's life and finally his marriage to supposedly the hottest girl from IIMA.
His first book, 5 point someone, was somewhat OK. Come on, you need to give the guy SOME credit being an amateur writer. But the writing style remains the same even after 4 books which cannot be appreciated. WE DON'T READ BOOKS TO READ THE SAME CONVERSATIONAL ENGLISH. We read so that it may enhance our knowledge on the language which is twisted in itself (where 'go' should actually be pronounced GU if 'to' is pronounced TO)
The prologue opens with the protagonist at the shrink's office (where the shrink has quite a sick sense of humor. God forbid I go there, I might actually be depressed AFTER the visit). The prologue is about all what i can remember properly because this book doesn't leave any other impression, except being a bad one, in your head.
The remaining story of this one revolves around his life in IIMA, where he finds the love of his life. But she is a Tam Bram and he is a punjabi. Not that it matters to them, they love making out at all points of the book. But the families have to accept the love and get them married, which is tough due to ego and cultural clashes. Long story short : Happy Ending with Twins.
Also, to add to the misery, the book is nothing but the writers naive version of love, sex and Tam Bram families. His portrayal of women shows them as easy, loose and craving his fat ass. Reading it makes you go like 'DUDE...WTF'. And again, not all Tam Bram families have their mothers as carnatic singers and dads as second level workers. Stop your fuckin prejudice!
Overall, the "novel" is nothing novel, leaves you with a bad experience and kills 3 hours of your life that you are never going to get back. To finish, i can only compare his book to nothing but a masala bollywood flick, with bad slapstick and an insanely hot female lead :P
Read this one at your own stupidity...

p.s. This review (if i may call it that) focuses more on insulting the writer for all his retardation rather than on just this one book. Sorry for the global approach :D

p.p.s. HE IS NOT INDIA'S MOST READ ENGLISH AUTHOR. STOP SPREADING SUCH MORONIC IDEAS.

The viva-vocevich theory

My viva was postponed by a day due to reason unknown and so it was today. It is always a fun sight watching the teacher's minions studying like it was the last day of the earth and studying would keep them alive in the post apocalyptic world. As usual, i hadn't studied a thing. But this time, i had three reasons not to study.
First; I had attained Zenlightenment and finally understood that these small things aren't going to matter in the bigger picture.
Second; I somehow have this weird feeling of being the Bernard Madoff of viva-vocas. Maybe not with so much glamor or a lifetime in prison, but sure as hell the audacity of not studying shit and being able to score top notch :D
And finally, i have a scientific theory to support my claim that he was going to ask me some very VERY simple questions
I'm calling it THE VIVA-VOCEVICH THEORY. Its copyright so don't even try.
It goes like so:
Viva examinations are a simple one on one with an external examiner you don't know. So the first point being that if you are well dressed and respect his authority, he's gonna shower you with marks. Also, the complexity of the questions depends on the number of students he has to question.
Case 1 (Yesterday; when he did not show up):
The batch consisted of 30 odd people and he was supposed to arrive at 9 and leave by 3 which, in theory gives him a lot of time to screw students. However, after 10 or 12 odd students, he eases up mainly because he gets bored.
So the easiness of the questions can be given by a graph of a bell curve

The first roll no. (unfortunately me) was going to get screwed up so as to set an example to the others that the external is unnerving and unsparing. The last roll no. was also screwed because the examiner knows that he can have no more fun torturing kids for the day and he would take all the frustration on the last kid.
The middle ones had it easy; the examiner would be bored, hungry and just wanting to go home due to the stupid answers given by their predecessors.

Case 2 (Today, when the viva DID happen):
It was supposed to start at 9 and he came nicely at 1:30, promptly went for lunch and then finally sat in the examination room at 2.
Now, he had to take the viva of 65 students by 3:45, hence a time constraint caused a change in his examination pattern. The graph of the question complexity suddenly becomes an exponential curve.

The last ones get screwed up in this case also because, well, the examiner just wants to have some fun.
So according to my own theory, i should've gotten the easiest question today. SO WHY STUDY!!!
Now isn't this theory awesome :P

p.s. It worked for me. Try it sometime...

p.p.s. The writer claims no responsibility in case of a screwed up test because you followed his advice

Zenlightenment 1

My viva-voce was supposed to start today. At 9 am, an external examiner whom we never knew was going to fire questions at all of us ONE-BY-ONE. Even though most of us know the answers when we are at our calmest (like when we are trying to impress other dumbwits with our superior knowledge) anyone rarely has the balls to answer. All you can think at that moment of the examiners fury is to NOT CRY IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

The mere thought of this viva shakes people to the core. But me, being more of a realized soul *chuckles*, can only think of a quasi-zen proverb
"Even this will pass, either like a violent diarrhea with jet speed and minimal pain, or like the constipation caused by twenty odd bananas, extremely slow, painful and usually ending up tearing your arse out"

By the power of the zen master, let it be the former. Amen!

2 1/2

This is just a random observation. Nontheless it is oh-so-powerful.I've made a new theory. The 2 1/2 theory. It goes like so.

2 1/2 gulps = 1 pint of beer

2 1/2 pints = 1 bottle of beer

2 1/2 bottles = 1 pitcher

2 1/2 pitchers = 1 tower

2 1/2 towers = 1 drunk ass party

:P

p.s. I am again posting from the chamber of xaolin. After all, i get such birdbrained thoughts only there.